I have cheated on someone!
Women Do Have Affairs!
Women Do Have Affairs!
I said it and it's not to say I am proud of it. It's to put it out that no one is subjected to not liking, desiring and sleeping with someone else while being in a relationship. For me it was for affection at the time my boyfriend was incarcerated in 2008 and it was a major blow, along with my son being ill and dealing with Breast Cancer. It was out of the need to be hugged, kissed, and held by someone even if it seems shallow and brief without limitation.
Again, I am the first to say that it is not an Excuse but it my truth. It's what I needed at the moment to make me feel better because being honest I was in a lot of emotional pain, my self-esteem was low, and this handsome, confident and endearing man was attracted to me. He pursues me hard and I caved because for the moment it wasn’t sexual it was the stimulation of the mental, the kind words and making me feel beautiful.
After the sexual event happen I was distraught and I can't tell you how many people said, " girl, you didn't cheat your man has twelve long hard years. You better get yours." I didn't feel that way I had violated a sacred bond that he and I shared. It wasn't about sex even though that event happen with the guy. It was about companionship, it was about someone to talk to and not have restrictions. I guess it change it me an as a woman to view situations differently and it taught me that I was subject to make wrong choices. I cried after doing this because for a moment I step out of myself. I allow friends to push me towards something that was against who I was. I was comfortable with the conversation and friendship.
I was craving affection, craving the desire to have someone see me as sexy, sensual, and smart. My boyfriend saw that in me and expressed it in letters but the fact was he was not here. I felt out of everything he abandon me. He chose a place that would limit us as a couple so I've asked myself did I do it to hurt him. I have to say yes because in truth I didn't love this man I slept with. I like him and had admiration for him but nothing beyond that.
I did tell my boyfriend the truth after his series of questions and it was the hardest to do.
He asked, " Why?"
I answered, " It was out of anger, out of loneliness and needing affection. It was because I needed to fill wanted."
The backlash of that is he will never trust me the same and it shows. The experience was a lesson that every body can fall into the trap at a vulnerable stage and it can happen. I view infidelity differently not just a victim but a willing participant. Chasing affection has taught me that either you are lacking in your relationship or within yourself.
© 2012 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite