Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Freeing Francesca Voice- Flash fiction

There is nothing worse than being imprisoned and bound of your own thoughts and the voices of another person living in your head. To fear walking out the door because some one may die. Francesca loves killing and the battle is internal. All the medications, all the counseling and therapy can't help because Francesca doesn't want help but I do. Haunted by your thoughts telling you to become a murderer. I stare and stare as Francessa whispers, " be a bad girl. Do it today and kill her the one in the purple dress. Kill that sum ma bitch" The rocking chair creeks against the floor, the music of Chrissette Michelle on high so I drown out her voice.  My mother bangs on the door and I turn it down.

"Just eat for mommy please." She sits the tray of collard greens, chicken and macaroni and cheese on the table.

"Mother Go or Francesca will."

"Let her go."

"Mother go and run." She splashes holy water on my skin.  She bows her head and begins praying. Francesca is now screaming, yelling, moaning, cursing in my ear, "Murder that sum ma Bitch."

 I turn the music louder , mother covers her ears, Francesca cursing, "that sum ma Bitch." The speakers thump, I'm now drenched with olive oil and water, my skin wrinkled and I am shivering from the cool air. My hand is shaking, mother gave me a knife to cut the chicken. I put in my hand and sinister thoughts try to align with Francesca's voice.

"Father, free her from what possesses her soul. Satan give me back my daughter." I stand, she is still throwing water and oil on me. Francesca , Mother, music, life ,death and the knife.

"Run mother. Have enough sense to run. I don't want to do it. I love you. Get out!" I scream.

She comes closer and I now have the knife in my hand. The voices, the tremble in her voice, the tears rolling down my face. The fight between good and evil. Sin wanting to kill but the good of me wanting to be free. I sit back in my rocking chair and let good win for now at at least.

"Mother, pass me my supper."

She hands me the plate and Francesca screams and argues with my spirit. I close my eyes and exhale let Chrissette Michelle sooth me and put Francesca to sleep. I cut into the chicken and mother is alive yet another night.

©2014 Tamyara Brown-Tamluvstowrite

Monday, July 28, 2014

The story of Goodbye!

The defeat of losing you became the day I won. I am no longer strangled by your drama. No longer swallowing your venom disguise as sweet nectar of love. Now that I wrote you out of my life and took new direction on the show called my life. I am no longer twisted and starved for love. I look within and took a vow to never succumb to being the phantom of some ones opera. So peace has become still. I can hear and feel love stirring all over me. Then without a tear falling or sadness in my soul. I yelled, " I am Free."

Looking in shock at the truth because for a moment I was living in a lie

I sat waiting and desiring you to see all that I had in me I was worth your time

Nothing prepare me for all those years we spent and moments we share

I'll admit life has not always been fair

Yet, at the still of the night and through the rumbles of the storm I was there

I was there when no one else heard your cry

I was there rooting you on to at least give it a try

I look at what I saw in you then and what I see now

The difference was love was my blinders and now that it is removed I can see you for who you are

Now this is not an intent to hate you , in fact I love you for the gifts of life by flowering the seeds to come alive and love

For the lessons of love , lessons of heartbreak and giving me room to see love at it's best and at it worst

Now before you start saying share your part

I have not always been the best to love by far

I have not always been easy to live with or to love

Yet, at the still of the night and through the rumbles of the storm I was there

I was there when no one else heard you cry

I was rooting you on to at least give it a try

You and I try to keep the dream of you and alive

We where living in a lie

No shame in my game for wanting what I thought was for me

No shame in your game in assuming we would last

In the end we have lived and learn

Loved and laugh.

© 2012 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite

Sunday, July 27, 2014

When the struggle is real how do you keep the faith?

I was on the bus on my way to my favorite spot in the world and two women where having a debate about doing right and wrong. She immediately begin, " ever since I stayed  on the right path with my life, no hustling, no getting high or running the streets. The struggle is real in all my years living wrong I never took the bus, or wondered where my next meal was coming from. I'm use to wearing Jordan's and having rubber bands filled with money and now I'm living paycheck to paycheck. Only my faith in The Lord is keeping me on the straight and arrow. I'm tested everyday to do wrong but my faith keeps me on the right path that I will have bigger and greater." Her faith amazed me but also let me know that before you get to the prize you have to go through the storm.

It is why I am writing this post because sometimes when the struggle is real, tests and trials are kicking your ass. Every bill has a past due notices, your broke, your spirit is in turmoil and every weight is on your shoulders. It is then when you have to really have faith. It is easy to have faith when all is well but when the struggle is real, your fight is wearing you down  and you can still say ,
"I have faith this too shall pass. I will keep smiling and keep trusting and believing that victory will be mine.

I thought about my venture in selling tshirts and my books. Someone one asked me, "Girl, must like being rejected or losing. "

It is not that I like losing I have this strong faith that eventually it will come to pass. I can admit the struggle can be real, some days I've asked the very question but if I give up, if I quit and give up I will never know what victory is.  Eric Thomas once said, " if where easy every one would do it."

While the struggle is real I'm preparing for a win. I'm practicing everyday to speak in front of thousands. I'm writing a blog that will one day catered to millions. It is why I get up and fight with a vigor and victory to never quit. I stand up and smile because just two years ago only ten people now the numbers have doubled.

Persistence in the darkest hour will give me the ability to face anything. It is building up a muscled that is weak I keep pumping.  I keep going and fighting. I hold to faith no matter what. I keep going in the eye of the storm because my belief is stronger than Nos.  yes, the struggle is weird but my faith is stronger.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Yes, She is Super Mom but News Flash she's still Human!

Mothers are programmed to be the Superwomen of the world, to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound while breastfeeding. All the while cooking, working, caring for everyone while being faster than a locomotive. It is the way to say, "She is amongst the great. She is magnificent and she is a strong woman." Yet, if you look into her eyes you'll see the tears behind them. You'll see that her overwhelming schedule, being super mom, business leader and hard working woman is taking tolls on her soul. She wants for once the world to look at her as just being a human being.

With so many households being run by single mothers who do it all and then some they have forgotten what it is like to slow down. They've forgotten what it is like to sit in a quiet space without the ding of  the computer, the ringing of the phone and the updating of Facebook status, Tweeting and Instagram. Constantly running and moving that God help her if she has more than two children then she now has to make sure she is faster than a speeding bullet, tend to making sure she is every woman that doesn't forget someone in the process. Society paints a pictures of the perfect Single Mom who does it all, look fierce in her high heels and a pretty dress. While behind close doors she breaks down and cry because this shit is unfair. The truth is she's only human.

You have no clear understanding on certain things like, "Why in the Sam hill does he/she wash one outfit out at a time when they have a shit load of laundry. As Super Mom you've shown them how to use the washing machine and dryer. So when you seen them to do it for the third time you lose your mind and mouth it makes you a mean mommy. Or not clean their room or walk over that same piece of paper three times. Or my favorite wait until the last minute to tell you about a field trip that they casually invited you to. I am human enough to be pissed off. You are trying so desperately to please your babies, clean, be a business owner and yet Super Mom gas tank is on E and she is tired. She forgot that superwoman is a fictional character and she is only human.

She has the right to say, "Today I am tired. I'm overwhelmed and stress out."

She has the right to say, "These children of mind is getting on my damn nerves. I ask them to do a simple chore like take out the meat so you can eat."(It rhymes and everything.) Yet, when you get home from work it is not done.

She has the right to say, "Give me a break. I want a break from being Mommy for a day."

She has the right to say, "I don't feel like being the Super Hero of the family just for a minute."

It doesn't mean that taking a break or taking a nap will take away your powers but more than anything it will enhance it. It will rejuvenate you and be the booster pack in giving you extra get up and go.

Use your rights to say, "I'm still human and this Super Mom thing  is overrated"

©2014 Tamyara Brown-Tamluvstowrite

Thursday, July 17, 2014

I just wanted to wish Daddy a Happy Birthday!

Poetry Moment
(Some little girl today is waiting to wish her daddy a Happy Birthday. For a man who is reading this you have no clue how important you are to her. You are the first man she falls in love with. Take time to be a part of her life. You will always have her love forever and a day. Don't neglect your daughters and sons.)

I sat waiting for you for fours hours
Pretty dress, Vaseline shiny penny loafers, ruffle socks, curls and pearls
I made you a cupcake, macaroni card and my heart full of love
I even made up a song to sing just for you
I sat on the porch telling my friends
"My Daddy and I celebrating his special day"
Every car & bus no you.
I ran to the phone and I refuse to believe you would stand me up
"Not my daddy he love me too much to see me cry and he wouldn't lie
The sun starting to set
My face now wet from tears
No You
I don't care what nobody say my Daddy coming
All the kids laugh and teasing "my daddy a deadbeat"
Mommy shaking her head with frustration in her eyes
 I still believe he will arrive 
The icing on the cupcake
 melting, my curls drooping and I ain't go lie I want to cry
But my heart believes soon my Daddy will arrive
Now it's going on ten o'clock and still no you
Now I am feeling unhappy
Blaming Mommy cause I think she made you mad
I call and get the voice mail
Now I think I did something bad
All I wanted was to say
"Happy Birthday Daddy"
Where are you?
Did you forget about your promise?
Did something happen?
Did I do something wrong?
Tears and fears
Hurt and Pain
Where are you Daddy?
Now days have turn to years
Dozens of cupcakes, unanswered wishes of seeing your face
Twenty- five macaroni cards, now I know you don't want me
You  forgot to love me
You forgot I needed your hugs
That I missed you
Empty and deceived
Pissed and disgruntled
I will never love another man the way I loved you
I will never trust another man the way I trusted you
All I ever wanted to do was wish you a "Happy Birthday"
Sad as it seems I await the day when you will show up to get your cupcake, macaroni card and my love

©2014 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite

Monday, June 23, 2014

Don't Quit On YOU!

I was walking my normal 2.7 mile walk from Delaware Park yesterday, the day was a perfect mixture of sun and a nice amount of breeze blowing. It was the last leg of my walk and the bus was coming down the street. In my mind my body was jumping up and down because the bus never comes when I am walking. My legs were aching, my toes hurt and I felt the desire to jump on the bus. I was ready to get on the bus and then I remember it was the story of my life so close to the finish line and the minute an easy way comes I jump on the ride.

I was approximately six blocks from my house and just like life getting to end was tiring. I gave myself a hundred excuses of why I should quit. My major reason was for the past few days I've completed this walk so it is okay to give in just this one time. Another excuse popped up my feet hurt, it's hot and lastly, I am tired. As the bus was approaching I thought about my life in particular and how I would quit whenever I got so close to my victory. How I let excuses block me from becoming the woman who achieved her life goals. I wasn't exercising because I wanted to achieve weight loss it was about endurance, it was about completion of a journey I started without giving up and giving in to excuses and setbacks. I started this pursuit to break the habit of quitting on Tamyara. I chose walking 2.7 miles back and forth to know that quitting wasn't option when I was close to my victory.

The bus pulled up and I made the decision not to give up on my journey because I was tired and it was difficult. I turned up my music and kept on strutting home. It was another proud moment of crossing the finish line. It was me realizing that I had will power to endure to the end. I had courage. I had an inner strength that no matter the difficulties I am indeed a winner. I didn't get on that bus because I am worth finishing the journey started without taking the short cut.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Happy Father's Day!

With one drop of your seed I became a life
You help create me in the likeness of your image
You in a moment of pleasure created someone 
To be loved
To be cherished
To be honored
You are a creator
You are a Father
God granted you the honor to 
 begin the process of life
God gave you an ability to lead 
Without you there would of been no me
God chooses every man to help begin a life
I thank you Dad

  Fathers don't always get the honor they deserve and it is a known fact. They are plagued as deadbeats, losers and that is not the image I am going to paint today. I am well aware of wonderful fathers who sacrifice their life to be the best they know how. They are the men who work two jobs, show up to plays, kiss boo boos and travel to every game.He is the hero who would collect bottles all day so you can have a new pair of shoes. He is our hero who will get up at the crack of dawn to make mickey mouse pancakes. He is there at your prom in muddy shoes and dirty hands so he can take that picture with his angel. He is the father who gives up half of his pay check through child support.

He is the one who is willing to go through hell and high water to defend your honor. The daddies who sit with the new boyfriend with the shotgun next to him. The one who will teach you how to play basketball, baseball, build a house, fix a car, drive a car, fight,writer and wrestling etc. I have seen and still seeing that in our communities today that men are active in their children's lives. He is the one who will sell his car to take  he can pay your tuition. The father who gives up half of his paycheck and never receives a thank you. The father who is unemployed but cooks, washes clothes, braids hair and helps with homework. I honor you for being the best you know how. The term Daddy is a badge of honor and many wear it proudly. Dads aren't always the biological it the one who made a choice to help raise you, nurture you and guide you on the right path.

My Uncle Khalid was the father figure in my life. He gave me my first watch, taught me how to type and how to act like a lady. He gave me the courage to speak in front of people when I would of otherwise shied away. My first briefcase so that I was professional at all times.  My uncle taught me that the sexiest woman  is one who is fierce without showing off her body. He was there to celebrate my triumphs but also my lost in my first election of vice president. He pointed out my wrongs and praise me when I was right. He listen to me and gave me advice. He wasn't my biological father but he took on the role of one. Though he is no longer here I was blessed to have him in my life.

Those who are fathers either through being biological or by choice I thank you for being the best you know how. I honor you because you chose to be outstanding when you could of walked away and wash your hands of the word responsibility. Take out the time today to thank that man who is instrumental in your life. Daddies are not perfect by far but they are yours honor them.

© 2012 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite