Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Freeing Francesca Voice- Flash fiction

There is nothing worse than being imprisoned and bound of your own thoughts and the voices of another person living in your head. To fear walking out the door because some one may die. Francesca loves killing and the battle is internal. All the medications, all the counseling and therapy can't help because Francesca doesn't want help but I do. Haunted by your thoughts telling you to become a murderer. I stare and stare as Francessa whispers, " be a bad girl. Do it today and kill her the one in the purple dress. Kill that sum ma bitch" The rocking chair creeks against the floor, the music of Chrissette Michelle on high so I drown out her voice.  My mother bangs on the door and I turn it down.

"Just eat for mommy please." She sits the tray of collard greens, chicken and macaroni and cheese on the table.

"Mother Go or Francesca will."

"Let her go."

"Mother go and run." She splashes holy water on my skin.  She bows her head and begins praying. Francesca is now screaming, yelling, moaning, cursing in my ear, "Murder that sum ma Bitch."

 I turn the music louder , mother covers her ears, Francesca cursing, "that sum ma Bitch." The speakers thump, I'm now drenched with olive oil and water, my skin wrinkled and I am shivering from the cool air. My hand is shaking, mother gave me a knife to cut the chicken. I put in my hand and sinister thoughts try to align with Francesca's voice.

"Father, free her from what possesses her soul. Satan give me back my daughter." I stand, she is still throwing water and oil on me. Francesca , Mother, music, life ,death and the knife.

"Run mother. Have enough sense to run. I don't want to do it. I love you. Get out!" I scream.

She comes closer and I now have the knife in my hand. The voices, the tremble in her voice, the tears rolling down my face. The fight between good and evil. Sin wanting to kill but the good of me wanting to be free. I sit back in my rocking chair and let good win for now at at least.

"Mother, pass me my supper."

She hands me the plate and Francesca screams and argues with my spirit. I close my eyes and exhale let Chrissette Michelle sooth me and put Francesca to sleep. I cut into the chicken and mother is alive yet another night.

©2014 Tamyara Brown-Tamluvstowrite

Monday, July 28, 2014

The story of Goodbye!

The defeat of losing you became the day I won. I am no longer strangled by your drama. No longer swallowing your venom disguise as sweet nectar of love. Now that I wrote you out of my life and took new direction on the show called my life. I am no longer twisted and starved for love. I look within and took a vow to never succumb to being the phantom of some ones opera. So peace has become still. I can hear and feel love stirring all over me. Then without a tear falling or sadness in my soul. I yelled, " I am Free."

Looking in shock at the truth because for a moment I was living in a lie

I sat waiting and desiring you to see all that I had in me I was worth your time

Nothing prepare me for all those years we spent and moments we share

I'll admit life has not always been fair

Yet, at the still of the night and through the rumbles of the storm I was there

I was there when no one else heard your cry

I was there rooting you on to at least give it a try

I look at what I saw in you then and what I see now

The difference was love was my blinders and now that it is removed I can see you for who you are

Now this is not an intent to hate you , in fact I love you for the gifts of life by flowering the seeds to come alive and love

For the lessons of love , lessons of heartbreak and giving me room to see love at it's best and at it worst

Now before you start saying share your part

I have not always been the best to love by far

I have not always been easy to live with or to love

Yet, at the still of the night and through the rumbles of the storm I was there

I was there when no one else heard you cry

I was rooting you on to at least give it a try

You and I try to keep the dream of you and alive

We where living in a lie

No shame in my game for wanting what I thought was for me

No shame in your game in assuming we would last

In the end we have lived and learn

Loved and laugh.

© 2012 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite

Sunday, July 27, 2014

When the struggle is real how do you keep the faith?

I was on the bus on my way to my favorite spot in the world and two women where having a debate about doing right and wrong. She immediately begin, " ever since I stayed  on the right path with my life, no hustling, no getting high or running the streets. The struggle is real in all my years living wrong I never took the bus, or wondered where my next meal was coming from. I'm use to wearing Jordan's and having rubber bands filled with money and now I'm living paycheck to paycheck. Only my faith in The Lord is keeping me on the straight and arrow. I'm tested everyday to do wrong but my faith keeps me on the right path that I will have bigger and greater." Her faith amazed me but also let me know that before you get to the prize you have to go through the storm.

It is why I am writing this post because sometimes when the struggle is real, tests and trials are kicking your ass. Every bill has a past due notices, your broke, your spirit is in turmoil and every weight is on your shoulders. It is then when you have to really have faith. It is easy to have faith when all is well but when the struggle is real, your fight is wearing you down  and you can still say ,
"I have faith this too shall pass. I will keep smiling and keep trusting and believing that victory will be mine.

I thought about my venture in selling tshirts and my books. Someone one asked me, "Girl, must like being rejected or losing. "

It is not that I like losing I have this strong faith that eventually it will come to pass. I can admit the struggle can be real, some days I've asked the very question but if I give up, if I quit and give up I will never know what victory is.  Eric Thomas once said, " if where easy every one would do it."

While the struggle is real I'm preparing for a win. I'm practicing everyday to speak in front of thousands. I'm writing a blog that will one day catered to millions. It is why I get up and fight with a vigor and victory to never quit. I stand up and smile because just two years ago only ten people now the numbers have doubled.

Persistence in the darkest hour will give me the ability to face anything. It is building up a muscled that is weak I keep pumping.  I keep going and fighting. I hold to faith no matter what. I keep going in the eye of the storm because my belief is stronger than Nos.  yes, the struggle is weird but my faith is stronger.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Yes, She is Super Mom but News Flash she's still Human!

Mothers are programmed to be the Superwomen of the world, to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound while breastfeeding. All the while cooking, working, caring for everyone while being faster than a locomotive. It is the way to say, "She is amongst the great. She is magnificent and she is a strong woman." Yet, if you look into her eyes you'll see the tears behind them. You'll see that her overwhelming schedule, being super mom, business leader and hard working woman is taking tolls on her soul. She wants for once the world to look at her as just being a human being.

With so many households being run by single mothers who do it all and then some they have forgotten what it is like to slow down. They've forgotten what it is like to sit in a quiet space without the ding of  the computer, the ringing of the phone and the updating of Facebook status, Tweeting and Instagram. Constantly running and moving that God help her if she has more than two children then she now has to make sure she is faster than a speeding bullet, tend to making sure she is every woman that doesn't forget someone in the process. Society paints a pictures of the perfect Single Mom who does it all, look fierce in her high heels and a pretty dress. While behind close doors she breaks down and cry because this shit is unfair. The truth is she's only human.

You have no clear understanding on certain things like, "Why in the Sam hill does he/she wash one outfit out at a time when they have a shit load of laundry. As Super Mom you've shown them how to use the washing machine and dryer. So when you seen them to do it for the third time you lose your mind and mouth it makes you a mean mommy. Or not clean their room or walk over that same piece of paper three times. Or my favorite wait until the last minute to tell you about a field trip that they casually invited you to. I am human enough to be pissed off. You are trying so desperately to please your babies, clean, be a business owner and yet Super Mom gas tank is on E and she is tired. She forgot that superwoman is a fictional character and she is only human.

She has the right to say, "Today I am tired. I'm overwhelmed and stress out."

She has the right to say, "These children of mind is getting on my damn nerves. I ask them to do a simple chore like take out the meat so you can eat."(It rhymes and everything.) Yet, when you get home from work it is not done.

She has the right to say, "Give me a break. I want a break from being Mommy for a day."

She has the right to say, "I don't feel like being the Super Hero of the family just for a minute."

It doesn't mean that taking a break or taking a nap will take away your powers but more than anything it will enhance it. It will rejuvenate you and be the booster pack in giving you extra get up and go.

Use your rights to say, "I'm still human and this Super Mom thing  is overrated"

©2014 Tamyara Brown-Tamluvstowrite

Thursday, July 17, 2014

I just wanted to wish Daddy a Happy Birthday!

Poetry Moment
(Some little girl today is waiting to wish her daddy a Happy Birthday. For a man who is reading this you have no clue how important you are to her. You are the first man she falls in love with. Take time to be a part of her life. You will always have her love forever and a day. Don't neglect your daughters and sons.)

I sat waiting for you for fours hours
Pretty dress, Vaseline shiny penny loafers, ruffle socks, curls and pearls
I made you a cupcake, macaroni card and my heart full of love
I even made up a song to sing just for you
I sat on the porch telling my friends
"My Daddy and I celebrating his special day"
Every car & bus no you.
I ran to the phone and I refuse to believe you would stand me up
"Not my daddy he love me too much to see me cry and he wouldn't lie
The sun starting to set
My face now wet from tears
No You
I don't care what nobody say my Daddy coming
All the kids laugh and teasing "my daddy a deadbeat"
Mommy shaking her head with frustration in her eyes
 I still believe he will arrive 
The icing on the cupcake
 melting, my curls drooping and I ain't go lie I want to cry
But my heart believes soon my Daddy will arrive
Now it's going on ten o'clock and still no you
Now I am feeling unhappy
Blaming Mommy cause I think she made you mad
I call and get the voice mail
Now I think I did something bad
All I wanted was to say
"Happy Birthday Daddy"
Where are you?
Did you forget about your promise?
Did something happen?
Did I do something wrong?
Tears and fears
Hurt and Pain
Where are you Daddy?
Now days have turn to years
Dozens of cupcakes, unanswered wishes of seeing your face
Twenty- five macaroni cards, now I know you don't want me
You  forgot to love me
You forgot I needed your hugs
That I missed you
Empty and deceived
Pissed and disgruntled
I will never love another man the way I loved you
I will never trust another man the way I trusted you
All I ever wanted to do was wish you a "Happy Birthday"
Sad as it seems I await the day when you will show up to get your cupcake, macaroni card and my love

©2014 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Thursday Cravings

“Anyone who is observant, who discovers the person they have always dreamed of, knows that sexual energy comes into play before sex even takes place. The greatest pleasure isn't sex, but the passion with which it is practiced. When the passion is intense, then sex joins in to complete the dance, but it is never the principal aim.” 
― Paulo Coelho

"I want you." He text.
"Stop playing."
"I'm not playing I'm dead ass."
"You have all these people here."
"You scared?"
"Boy please."
"What's stopping you fear?"
"NO and we are.. never mind."
"Happily married, your my wife and I'm hungry now feed me."
"No. Get a sandwich."
"Your not funny. You know what I want."
"You are so nasty."
"I know just the way you like me."
"Be good and I promise tonight."
"Please meet me in my office, slip off your panties and give me fifteen minutes."
"No and No.Focus on your business and this meeting."
"You look hot in that yellow dress, smelling all good and you expect me to be a good boy?"
"Thank you and the answer is still NO."
"You playing games and you know who'll be the winner."
"Start your meeting."

Jaquar ran his long tongue around his thick pink lips and instantly my vanilla creme flowed. He made me squeeze my thighs tight and rubbed the back of my neck. I shifted in my seat, crossed my legs and bit the tip of my pen.  He ran his meeting but never taking his eyes off me. I pulled at my necklace. I felt his hand on my knee, felt the pad of finger creep up my thigh. I shook my leg bit on the bottom of my lip. I let off a low moan as the very tip of his finger touched my engorged and   drenched clit he stroke it three times and smirked. Small moans left my lips without permission, I cleared my throat and took deep breaths to break his spell.

"Mrs. Patterson are you okay?" He smirked as he removed his hand and folded it on the table. Smart ass you know I am not fine.

"I'm fine Mr. Patterson just listening to you." I rolled my eyes and sucked my teeth.

Every one knew that he and I had an insider conversation going on without saying not a word. Jaquar  is built like the Rock wore a tight t shirt that made his muscles pulsate, the fullness of his lips, his caramel complexion and his bedroom eyes. His intellect, his take charge attitude, his love for me and his touch was all the aphrodisiac I needed.  Yes, my man was fine but damn it his intellect was sexier. He could make me cum just watching him type a memo, read the Wall Street Journal,giving a definition to a word from memory or speaking fluent French.
"If your not okay we can take a break. You can go in my office and gather yourself just let me know ." He winked and rubbed his hands together.

He swear he is slick. He knew he had my pussy doing the wobble and in four minutes and forty seconds I would jump on his lap and give him what he needed. Yet, I needed to be cool, calm and collected my husband didn't have control I run the show.
I don't care how many times he licks his lips, or how much I crave the length of him inside every orifice I  had to stay focus. He is not the boss of me.

"As stated before I'm fine you can conclude your meeting." I sat up and he raised his eyebrow, poked out his lips and nodded his head.  He click the slide and his husky voice echoed through out the room as he ran off figures and estimates. He made it his business to stand behind my chair and press his hips against my back to let me know he was overstimulated and when it was all said and done he was going to fuck me until I sang the National anthem. Every woman no matter how prissy, how proper and successful had some degree of freak in them. I owned up to it a long time ago , " that I love being my husband's freak and I had no shame of him knocking the p off my pussy.  I had no shame in sucking him off and  vice versa. I had no fear of my sexuality.
Our marriage is built on more than sex we are best friends, we run a business together. We made a pact a long time ago that it was our responsibility as husband and wife to maintain our relationship. We communicate our needs. We are one another's accountability partners. Our sex life is enhanced because we are connected at the soul. We have joy in our marriage and he loves all 225 lbs of me . Yet, I knew that every couple needed the fire to be ignited. Passion had to be kept alive and please me I am the torch, the tease and my husband's Thursday craving.

He moved and he continued talking. He stopped mid sentence as he caught me daydreaming, my tongue tracing my lips and legs shaking.

"Mrs. Patterson you seem distracted in my meeting. What is the dollar amount needed to purchase new beds for the residents?" Shit, shit I have no damn clue. Think quick!"

He put his hand on his hip. I wanted him to punish me, rip off my clothes and stuff his whole face into my yoni. I want him to suck the cherry lifesaver that I have marinated in it just for his tongue every woman should have one to keep it tasty.Your man will thank you later. Okay, number of beds, residents. Hell I don't know.

The staff looked at me. I pulled on my necklace he stuck out his tongue.

"Every one out I need to have a conversation with my wife/employee." Every one scurried out of the office and I followed.

"No, Mrs. Patterson don't even attempt to walk out the door. Close it and assume the position." He took off his shirt showing off his muscles and tattoo of my name.

"Make me." I taunted.

He stood behind me and he begin grinding his dick on my ass.I refuse to react instead I close my eyes and ran my fingers down my neckline. I maintain my demeanor but this husband of mine knew me all too well.

"How many beds do we need for the new residents?"

I glanced back at him and damn my husband was handsome. His cerulean eyes put me in a trance. He smiled. I smiled. He took out a green apple lollipop and traced it on my lips, down to my neck, followed by his tongue and I began breathing deeply.

"I'm so hungry for you and since it is clear you don't have the answer I have to teach you a lesson on  paying attention in my meeting."  He kissed my shoulders, loosen the string on my dress and pulled it open. He took the lollipop ran it over my breasts, to my belly button, his tongue sopped up the stickiness. I moaned. He pushed off my dress , unsnapped my bra and squeezed my breasts. He moaned.

"You are so damn sexy. It makes no damn sense for me to get hard by the sound of your voice. It's your fault got me misbehaving in my place of business. All this damn ass, brains and juicy yoni how do you expect me to be a good boy. " He cupped it and groaned. I blush

"What you gone do with all this ass?" I put it in his face and wiggled it.

"I show way better than I tell." He smacked me on it and grunted.

The room was swollen with arousal, the scent of cinnamon and lavender dance off our body, this was love, this was passion and he hasn't even entered me yet. I was in love like the first day we met nine years ago, he touched me, kissed me passionately, touched my ass and massaged it. He put his fingers in between my thighs and then the lollipop. He dipped it into my opening and swirl it around. He put it in up to his mouth and swirled it around his tongue.

"Mmm... Damn you taste good. This is just the sampler I'm ready for the main course."

We are gone and it didn't matter this was a conference room, that we where breaking our commandments. At this moment all that matter was a husband and  wife  fulfilling a need, a want and desire. Every nerve was alive, I throbbed for Jaquar , every vein pumped my husband's name. He opened his pants and his beautiful erection throbbed song my name.I touched it. I massaged it and watch the pre-cum dripped down his shaft.

"Feed me Mrs. Patterson."

He lifted me on the table, pulled up a chair, I opened my legs, he stuck his tongue and he drank while I screamed.  He slurped, he drank, his tongue danced, whined, salsa, break dancing and the electric slide cause my water falls to spill. I panted, gazed down at him, licked my lips and felt his length push inside of me. I yelped and he kissed me. By now everyone was aware the boss was fucking his wife in the conference room.

He took a deep breath and manage to whisper, "You see why I act out? You got your husband spoiled rotten with all this good good.

He grew inside of me and I swear I wanted to scream to the world how good he had me feeling. I nibbled his shoulder to suppress my screams. I quivered, I shook, I convulsed and reach my peak five times yet I was hungry for more of Jaquar. He put my ankles over his shoulders and I knew at this point he had total control. He pushed deep and I pulled at my hair and he had me possessed with passion. Panting, moans, memory loss that we where being heard. His curses, his calling my name. Shouts of I love you, furniture scraping the floor. He grunted, he moved at a speed, lean his head back, his mouth in O formation and shouts of my name.  He roared and  stuck his tongue out of his mouth. He collapsed on top of me, he kissed my lips, my nose and after catching our breath.

"How many bed does the residents need and you better know the answer?"

"15." I winked and he chuckled.

"You are a hot mess."

"You love it."

"Damn right and I'm not going anywhere.

©2014 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite

Monday, June 23, 2014

Don't Quit On YOU!

I was walking my normal 2.7 mile walk from Delaware Park yesterday, the day was a perfect mixture of sun and a nice amount of breeze blowing. It was the last leg of my walk and the bus was coming down the street. In my mind my body was jumping up and down because the bus never comes when I am walking. My legs were aching, my toes hurt and I felt the desire to jump on the bus. I was ready to get on the bus and then I remember it was the story of my life so close to the finish line and the minute an easy way comes I jump on the ride.

I was approximately six blocks from my house and just like life getting to end was tiring. I gave myself a hundred excuses of why I should quit. My major reason was for the past few days I've completed this walk so it is okay to give in just this one time. Another excuse popped up my feet hurt, it's hot and lastly, I am tired. As the bus was approaching I thought about my life in particular and how I would quit whenever I got so close to my victory. How I let excuses block me from becoming the woman who achieved her life goals. I wasn't exercising because I wanted to achieve weight loss it was about endurance, it was about completion of a journey I started without giving up and giving in to excuses and setbacks. I started this pursuit to break the habit of quitting on Tamyara. I chose walking 2.7 miles back and forth to know that quitting wasn't option when I was close to my victory.

The bus pulled up and I made the decision not to give up on my journey because I was tired and it was difficult. I turned up my music and kept on strutting home. It was another proud moment of crossing the finish line. It was me realizing that I had will power to endure to the end. I had courage. I had an inner strength that no matter the difficulties I am indeed a winner. I didn't get on that bus because I am worth finishing the journey started without taking the short cut.