Monday, April 21, 2014

"ALL BLACK MEN AIN'T SH**T"

    


     "ALL BLACK MEN AIN'T SH**T" was the first words fed to me about  our men. It was a hard core lessons after I watched my mother crying her eyes out about a brother who broke her heart. I  was seven -years old and I remember saying,
    
         "Mommy not every Black Men Ain't Sh**t. Big Bird told me we are individuals so it's only your man." She popped me dead in my smart mouth and sent me to my room. Big Bird and me running my mouth always got me in trouble.
    
     "Wait till them bastards  have you crying let's see if you'll say that later on in life."She screamed and then she popped me in the mouth for cursing.

            It was a time when we called Black men Kings, Prince, and Warriors. We couldn't stand to hear someone to degrade his manhood and beat down his integrity. As his Queen, the woman that sat by his side we refuse to make him feel less than a man. We refused to rip his name or spirit apart. Now it has become a habit. It is almost as if we are programming our girls and vice versa. It is as if we are branding every black man as a low-life. It is conditioning our daughters to despise every man they encounter on the notion he ain't sh**t.


           I guess even as a little girl I understood that not every brother is cut from the same cloth. I look at each man as an  individual  and not as a group of men. Sometimes we as women prepared for the man who enters our lives to treat us like dirt so the theory rears it head that he's just like the other men  we've dated without giving the new guy a chance. We expect him to cheat because a lot our mothers instilled in us that "All Black Men Ain't Sh**T" mentality. Maybe it's  was my mommy's way of protecting me from some of  the pain I faced.

           Not every black man we encounter will cheat, misuse,abuse,leave you and abandon you. I know many of  great men who are wonderful boyfriends, husbands and all around great men. The theory isn't fair that we bundle all them in the category of  not being Sh**t. That kills me because we have some other men who fit in the "ain't sh**t category from other ethnicities. Black men can and have made great boyfriends and husbands.

      Have I been hurt by a black man? Yes. Has tears been shed because of him? Yes. The entire race of  black men didn't bring tears to my eyes or hurt my heart. In fact some wonderful man was there to wipe them away. The point is if one brother hurts you it's unfair to put it on every black man's shoulders to carry the burden of the next man.
          I'm  not arguing that their isn't some Black men who haven't earned the title or don't have sh**ty ways that goes without saying. I know some men who can go right in a pile of it and fit perfectly. Yet, I also know some men who are honorable ,respectable and all about doing and treating their women and families good. Nothing comes above them  but their higher power.

      I hope that we can stop instilling in our daughters that all Black Men are inadequate to love, they are less than nothing. We have to find a way to change our words when it comes to our men. Some of those men when we use those word we speak of our sons, our nephews, our Daddies and Grandaddies.Just think about it when you utter those words, "All Black Men Ain't Shit."




© 2011 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite

Saturday, April 5, 2014

He Loves Me!

He Loves Me 

By Tamyara Brown

I was running from his love and he knew my heart was afraid to love again.
He was as perfect as any man could be with flaws.
I was running from his kindness and he knew I was not use to being treated like a Queen.
He was pursuing me with words but his actions of love spoke louder.
I was preparing to run and he kneel before me. He loving arms wrapped around my waist.
Tears streaming and I could feel his love flowing inside of me.
I was pushing him away. I was pulling and he held me tighter.
The fighter of his love was losing, tears streaming, becoming weak because his love was too powerful.
His hands on the small of my back
His other hand caressing my thick thighs.
His warm kisses on my belly.
His baritone voice whispering my name.
I asked him, "why does he love me so?"
He looked into my eyes and announce,
"Because you gave me every reason to love you. I knew the day I saw you God introduced me to my wife.
I could no longer run because he caught my heart.
I am so glad he stop me from running.
©2014 Tamyara Brown-Tamluvstowrite

Thursday, March 27, 2014

When I learned to Say No and Mean It!

Saying No and Mean It
By Tamyara Brown



I'm the woman who use to run around saying, "yes" to everything and everyone. Little did I know I was neglecting the one person who matter and it was me. Just recently I ran into a situation with an old friend who asked to use my address for something. I kindly said no and they went ahead and did it anyway. To say I was livid is understatement. When I addressed the situation my friend couldn't understand why I was so angry. My friend replied, " you always say yes after a few no's so I went ahead assuming you'd say yes eventually." So I ended the friendship because of that violation,I was pissed but more angry with me for allowing it to be my habit of saying yes but really meaning no. I done this over and over again trying so desperately to please people. Ive learned a lesson and it is now how I live. If I say No mean it with all my heart and soul. Stop being every one sucker lollipop and stand my ground. 

Now looking back raising my children I realize a lot of my yes should have been no's. I learned that people will take advantage of your yes and run with it including your children. Now that I value me I have set up boundaries and have no problem uttering no but more importantly meaning it.  I learned that in the process of saying No I will lose friends, hurt feelings and make people dislike me. I've accepted it because I've done more damage to Tamyara by saying yes and getting lack of what I deserve. I've allow people to cripple the relationship between Tamyara and Tamyara saying yes to their wish and commands. You see I now know I can no longer continue to do go against my word or how I feel. I can no longer let people think it is okay to believe her Nos are not valid.






© 2014 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Soulful Sunday-The lesson of putting away the shame and just being grateful

Soulful Sunday
The Lesson of putting away Shame and just being Grateful!

By Tamyara Brown


"The one thing I have learned is that abundance wears many faces, and when we focus on what we don't have versus focusing on what we do have, we miss out on the blessings that have been given to us."- Jada Pinkett Smith





I grew up poor and up until now I could never admit how I ashamed I was of it. Today, at 40 I can admit it. It the shame that has possibly block my blessings in many ways. I hated growing up the way I did living in a cramp apartment at 561 Gates Avenue, Apt.4. Living in an apartment where roaches, rats and the disparity of it all. It is the shame I lived with for many years. I hated the struggle and years later following in those same footsteps sickened me. I often would be so angry with God and my mother for not giving me the life many of my friends had. I sat with the attitude of, "Why didn’t God choose us to have an abundance of THINGS. The abundance of a loving family. Many of my family members where surrogate and even living with loving people I didn't always appreciate them. Part of it was I felt as if I was borrowing them and would eventually have to give them back. I wanted what so many had the pretty house, the abundance of family and lastly a bed to call my own. I realize now and even a few months back that I wasn't grateful for what I had.


I look back and though what I had wasn't much it was the life handed to me. I had a corner of a bed to sleep in. I had a loving Aunt Cookie who took care of us with little to no money. She still provided for us the best she knew how. She taught me lessons and loved us unconditionally.  I couldn't see and appreciate the fact it could have been worst. 

I look back on all of the things I have gone through and now it represents me so desperately being ashamed of having so many babies. I couldn't always see the beauty of motherhood because I let the whispers, the talk and the constant doubts take control. I hid behind closed doors because instead of being proud I was angry because it wasn't ideal. Now, I look at them and I appreciate them. I appreciate every challenge that came with the territory. You see, they are the very blessing that completes me. It is what gives me strength beyond measure. 

The days I was ashamed of my body and size. I wore drab clothing and hated walking outside because I didn't feel worthy to walk the streets. I couldn't see that it wasn't my body that was wrong it was my thinking. There was a time I couldn't look in the mirror because shame told me not to. I let it weigh me down more than the weight. I was wearing shame so well it stop me from making steps to walk out the door. I realize now shame how so much power over me that it controlled me.

It wasn't until late last night I sat in my room looking back that being ashamed held me back. It cause me not to step out because I was not like others. I thought of all the lessons I learned from Aunt Cookie, my surrogate family and my own mother. I wasn't actually honoring the blessings. I couldn't hold my head up to see the sunlight, the beauty of the mess.  

Now, I look back and have become grateful for every moment that has happen. Grateful to the point I can see the lesson in each and every part of my life. I can hold my head up and look past what wasn't and see the joy of every day I spent learning and growing. I look back at the memories and smile. I looked at the tears I cried, the pain caused and vice versa. Feels good to grow up at 40. I see that no matter the hard times where we manage to survive.  I am grateful for every waking moment because I am still here to write about it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am grateful for the things and people in my life. I appreciate them and the things I have. I count it as the best blessing in my life. The moment I stood up and became grateful I could see how bless it is to have children who love me. Bless to have a home, food to eat and the ability to put my key in the door and call it home. I am bless to see nothing as a burden but a blessing. The trials and tribulations come but I am aware this too shall pass even for those tough times I am grateful.

I no longer look at what others have. I no longer ask, "God, why didn't you give me what they have. I thank him because it could be worse."

For each of my Beauties, don't be ashamed of your past so much you don't learn from it. Shame is a barrier and a form of bondage. Face up to it so you can be free. Be grateful of all you have and count them as blessings. 


Tamyara Brown

The Beautifully Me Undefined Team


As always we hope that our post empower and encourage you. You can email us @tamyarab@beautifullymeundefined.com and jeanellbyers@beautifullymeundefined.com. If you would like to contribute to Soulful Sunday please email us as well.

Read more at http://www.beautifullymeundefined.com/#TorOwDBUBKrZc8GX.99








Sunday, March 9, 2014

Black Man! How can I tell you I love you?

 Today while I was downtown Buffalo it sadden me to see another Black  man shackled and in chains, his head low and the sentence handed down to him was life imprisonment. Even though I have no clue whether he is innocent or guilty. I would of preferred to see the brother crossing the stage receiving his college degree. He is only twenty-four years old and today his life will remain in a prison cell until he dies. When does the cycle end? How as a woman can I tell my brothers, my ex-lover and cousins that I need them more than  they could ever imagine.
 

DEAR Beautiful Black Men( either free,paroled or incarcerated)
Last night I got on my knees and prayed for you harder than I ever prayed before. I ask God to guide me with the right words to say to you so I would not offend your wounded Spirit. He whisper in my ear to tell you what I feel. Well, whether you know it  or not let me first say, I love you whether I know you or not that's irrelevant. I love you because for hundreds of years you built pyramids with your bare hands, you rule kingdoms, caught animals and skin them with your bare hands to ensure your family ate. You carried our fore mothers on your back when we could no longer walk any further. Some of us women tend to forget your worth because lately all we've been calling you is trifling, two-timers,liars, cheater and telling you your no good. 
Today, I feed you words of worship and kindness because it was you who help invent electricity so I can see my way to the promise land, it was you who invented things so life could be a little easier, and perform the first open heart surgery so my heart would beat rhythms of love. You wrote me love poems and letters so I'd never forget how much you cared. You entertain my soul with your lyrical thesis and songs. My beautiful black brother can't you see? I am so proud  to be apart of you and call you father,friend,brother,lover and cousin. You march for my freedom and equal rights so they'd recognize I was a more than just a nigger but the mother of earth. You gave me many reasons to smile and realize I was lucky to have you as my King.
I need you to do me a huge favor and please take me seriously. I don't need you to answer me now for I understand this may be a bit of a struggle. Can I have you stay away from the prison cells? I need you more than you can imagine. If your already lock down can you take this negative opportunity and look within yourself and fix what is ailing you. Okay, I am begging you to reach inside and love yourself to know you are more valuable than a rare jewel. Please whomever has ever hurt,lied,left and disappointed you forgive slowly and eventually you can let go. If it is a chemical dependency that tapping on your shoulder please get help not just for me but  for you. I like you sober and sexy. I know this sounds real sappy and sad but having you away from me gives me a million reasons to cry.
Please, if you are young  please make a choice to choose against the norm and get your education. Please don't forget that knowledge is the greatest weapon no one can ever take from you. I Know, I know your tired of giving your best and getting less. Tired of doing right only to find some one telling you wrong. All I ask is you keep pressing on in spite of what folks say about you. 
I know , I know your angry as hell and can't take it no more. For a moment before you pick up a weapon or do something wrong please think about all your about to lose. Because no weapon formed against you shall prosper, your higher power will protect you. Please stop poisoning your mind with all this built up frustration and pain too many of you are dying. I'm tired of crying those sad tears. I know, I know some girls and women are giving coochie up like government cheese. Could you please protect your stick so you won't get sick? I need you healthy. 
For those of who are rich and full of swag please recognize how hard you worked to get to the top. Not every friend is for you and not every foe is your enemy. Love is universal and please don't forget the little people who help you along the way. Or the woman who loved you while you where broke. If they selling shit,piss and corruption don't let another still your dime nor your time.
To the men who have long term sentences instead of forming gangs of destruction against one another. How about help another brother and educate him? While in those cells create business plans, write novels, educate yourself and plan for the day of your freedom. Take time to show yourself that you are not animal and that cell can never cage your mind. I'm speaking from the heart when I say that despite what wrong folk  may point out I see all the Good in you.
While this concludes this letter it does not conclude my unconditional, and everlasting love for you. Hold on and stay strong not just for me but yourself. I know that many of you proclaim to never cry. Cry if that will set you free in your heart, your soul and mind. Crying doesn't make you weak nor does it take from your manhood. Until I hope you see my sincerity and know how much I care.


Love Always ,

Tamyara P.Brown
© 2011 Tamyara Brown

Monday, March 3, 2014

Resting In Me! Happy 40th Birthday Tamyara

"Failure is not a curse but an awakening." -Jada Pinkett Smith









Resting In Me
By Tamyara Brown

"She made a decision that girl named Tamyara Pamela Brown to open the coffin bought my others and lay down in it. Her heart was still beating but something in her soul had took an eternal nap. She was dead, no funeral, no flowers, no sad music or cries of grief but her own."

I stood in front of my grave site at the age of eighteen years old marked on the gray tombstone was, "Resting In Me, Tamyara Pamela Brown, March 3, 1992- until she decides she is worthy to wake the hell up and recognize her WORTH.  At the time of my death I was carrying life. Life and death are just two strangers passing by.  How could she be dead when she  that girl named Tamyara Pamela Brown was alive and well? Wait, if she died internally what the hell killed her? What or whom pulled the trigger and killed the light that once shined so bright within her? The answer is simple Me. I bet a whole bunch of folks where waiting for me to point the fingers elsewhere?

I could hear the echoes of shame as I wallow with child. I could hear the words of calling myself a failure. The curse of yet another teenage mother heading nowhere. I was missing out on being young. I wanted to hide so I did. I was angry at me and I look in the mirror and announce, "this is it. You are dead, you failed you." I heard the whispers of friends, I saw the fingers pointing at me and the snickers, "the smart girl got caught."  Nothing condemned me more than the soul shattering voice of  reason a generational curse was hovering over our souls. 

In my mind, heart and soul every one was better than me. Every one was living and I was just existing. I set my mind to see that I was ugly inside and out. I was lacking love. I was lacking the like of Tamyara. Subconsciously, I was setting me up for failure because I killed my belief system in me. I open a coffin someone built for me on that day and took the belief system I would never make it. Sad ass story. I can't get any more real than this moment.

Opening the coffin I let guilt, shame, hurt, anger, self-loathing, bitterness hidden with a smile and misery. It was so easy to crawl in and bury me, bury my life because I wasn't doing it like my friends. So it was easy at the age of eighteen to accept the life handed to me. It was easy to give up my soul, give up hope, give up faith and lastly love of Tamyara Pamela Brown.

I began to HATE  THAT GIRL SHE SAW IN THE MIRROR! I HATED HER UP UNTIL SHE WAS 39 1/2 years old.

She was annoying
She that girl Tamyara wasn't pretty
She is  too fat.
She is a pain in my ass.
She dress ugly

She was having all these babies.
Why does she keep hanging around these friends talking about her behind her back?
What the fudge Popsicle is  wrong with her ?
Why the hell does she always quit before she gets to the finish line?
Why does she keep letting people talk to her that way?
Why does she keep being nice doesn't Tamyara Pamela Brown know Good girls finish last?
Why does she lie and pretend she got it all together when she is falling apart like stale bread?

I was burying me before I could live I was suffocating her couldn't you see the zombie? I was so messed up inside that I allow them to control me, run over me and it was because she gave up on her journey. Why? She wanted to be loved. She, Tamyara Pamela Brown was fucked u on the inside. She , me, I was angry because I didn't think I was worth shit. I, me, she accepted mediocrity. She settled and suffered. She was trying to follow her soul and let her die.

She wanted, she needed and craved?

What do I want?

Excuse me Tamyara P. Brown I hate to interrupt your major blah, blah of whoa is me session. I, me, she is screaming, "TODAY IS OUR BIRTHDAY! GO SHORTY! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!"

Now back to our birthday. I need you to wake up and look around Ms. Tamluvstowrite and see that, "  I dug you up out of some major poo. Now that you are officially resuscitated and ready to go. We are letting Go and letting God.   

Next, you are forty years old, six babies, four grandchildren, an author, new business owner and might I add you are Teflon strong. We are not bragging but stating facts.

Now it is time to live versus existing our days on this earth are limited and a mystery. We have no clue when we may actually check out so while here on this earth we live our life like  it is golden.

You've made mistakes, You've crash but you lived through your injuries, Life kick your ass but you got back up and you fought. All those years you stay buried and ready to die. You fought to live, you fought when  it was easy to give up. Really look at your yester years as a learning curve and now take the big 40 and let Tamyara shine like the Star she is.


You owe it to yourself, your heart, mind,body and soul. I realized that I didn't die I was just waiting to Soar.

 Soar Like A Butterfly



Friday, February 14, 2014

The Cards that Love Dealt

The Cards that Love Dealt
By Tamyara Brown





Life has dealt me an incurable disease and eventually sooner than later I will die. My heart doesn’t work right and I need a new one. That is the cards life dealt and there is no need for me to bitch and whine. It solves nothing because I've come to terms some are destined to make it, while others are destined to live on this earth short-term (that’s me) and others are here just to suffer. It is my thinking and no one can change how I view life. I also discovered I will never find love with the perfect man. So I decided to say F-U-C-K Love and the white horse it rode in on. It’s Valentine’s Day and like my heart cupid shot an arrow through it but he forgot to give me the consultation prize of a Michael Ealy look alike holding a box of chocolates and a dozen red roses. Instead I have a date with my parents at some funky church dinner.
wasn't expecting love and believe me in wasn't in my cards but then I meet this smooth talking guy named Garth Sampson.
Ever since I've been sick boyfriends and the possibly of a future husband was shot to hell. Who wants to love a girl on her death bed? A girl who’s heart could give out at any moment so at twenty-one I don’t believe it will ever happen. My Mom calls me the world’s biggest pessimist and I gladly accept the award. I have fought for my life for the past four years and I am tired.  I’ve spent much of my life in a hospital beds, needles, on oxygen and near death with a stupid pace maker in my chest. I miss the prom, I miss my graduation and the events typical normal teenagers have that would bring happiness into my life. I am pissed at life and pissed at this stupid heart of mine.
It is Valentine’s Day. It is my Mother and step father stupid idea for me to go to their church shin ding. She buys me this beautiful red and black dress, straightens my hair and throws on some make-up to hide the dark circles around my eyes and give my skin life. It doesn't help me any. My skin is the color of a cinnamon bun, my hair is naturally curly to the root. I hate relaxers and I don’t want dread locks so normally my Mom puts it in two braids. She press it with the hot comb and the burns on my neck from moving my head makes me think it was on purpose. It hangs pass my shoulders and it makes me look half-way decent.
“Ma, I don’t want to go and be the third wheel.”
“It is a couple and singles dinner. You need to get out of the house and have fun.”
“Ma, fun requires being able to dance and duh dead girl walking can’t do the electric slide without my pace maker beeping like crazy.” She rolls her eyes and throws her hands up in the air.
“You are going and you are going to like it, young lady. You are alive you just don’t want to live.”
“Ugh, whateva.”
 I stomp out and plop on the couch. My step –father walks into the room looking like a blast from the eighties with his Jerri-curl, wing tipped shoes, shiny sky blue suit that is a size too small. He has on a gold chain and that gold tooth. He is sweet but I just wish Mom would have the courage to take him shopping for some updated clothes that fit. Or at least get him a new gold tooth which has turn yellow and green.
“I wish your Mom wouldn’t force you to go. You’re grown but you know how she is. She has to be the boss.” His button pops off and lands on the coffee table. He pretends that it didn’t happen and so do I.
“I’m going because she will bitch my ears off for the next week. Did you get her the necklace I show you?”
“Yes.”
Roy is the worst gift giver in the world so I assist him every now and then.
“Good. So who’s going to be there?”
“Folks from church and guests of the members. They have good food, red roses for the ladies and Chocolate Cupcakes from Schenique’s bakery.
“Schenique’s Sweets give me a reason to go. Is she catering it too?”
“No, only the desserts and I tell you that sister can cook her behind off. She is triple booked with orders. She is making the Oreo cupcakes, peach dumplings, pound cake and banana pudding.”
“For your Mom try to have a good time please.”
“I’ll try but no promises.”
“She just wants you happy.”
“I know.”

Dancing Angels
I walked in ready to go home it was no one there my age but Booger eating Junior who should be ashamed at twenty-two to be picking boogers. He was fine as hell but had a bad habit of sitting in the corner eating his own boogers. No one ever shook his hand because in addition to eating boogers he was always scratching his ass and his finger nails where full of dirt. Roy called him, “Shitty hands.”   The tables where decorated with confetti hearts, red roses placed on each table and place cards for couples. Sister Sandra added a special touch by covering the chairs with beautiful red and black velvet fabric. I know this was a church event but playing soft jazz music would have been nice versus traditional church music.  They seated everyone except me and this guy who resemble Jensen Atwood from my all-time favorite show Noah’s Arc except he was a shade darker, curly hair and wore glasses. He also had a cleft in his chin.  I shouldn’t of notice him but he walked in dressed and stood right next to me. He smelled like Amani cologne and wore a beautiful medallion with a lion’s head. He wore a black dress shirt, gray slacks and black moccasin type of shoes. He chew on what look like a piece of wood. His lips are thick and pink.
“Garth and Serita your table is no.5.” Sandra said. I adjust my oxygen and pull the heavy bag I’ve been carrying for six months close to me.
“I’m not with him. I came with my parents not this dude.” Sandra huffed and step close to me and whispers in my ear.
“Look Ms. Attitude you will sit with this handsome young man, act like you have some matters and like it. Your parents set this up for you don’t screw it up.” She took a step back and smiles at Garth. She continues,
“Table 5 is where you two will sit. Ms. Serita you will be on your best behavior today. “I smirk and the Jensen Atwood look alike has the nerve to have a nice smile.
“This is my best behavior Ms. Sandra.” She shakes her finger at me. I walk over to the table and he pulls out my seat. Garth or whatever his name is has the nerve to be a gentleman.
“Thank you.” I blurt out.
“You’re quite welcome.” I glare over at my folks who both act oblivious to the fact they set me up on a blind date. He twiddles his thumbs and finally he speaks.
“I take it you don’t want to be here but I would like to have a good time tonight with you. So let me introduce myself I am Garth Sampson, I’m twenty-five, recent graduate of U.C.L.A. I dream of being this big time director who make movies that our people can relate to. So for now I am working as a Case Worker at the Department of Social Services.”
“You’re settling for less because you don’t think you can direct a movie.”
“Um, I am making a living so I won’t be hungry or homeless. I work at my dream every day. What do you dream about doing?” He raises his eyebrow and takes a sip of water.
“I use to dream and you know my name it is Serita and I if I didn’t have an appointment with death because of this bad heart I’d be a great rapper like my idols McLyte and Queen Latifah. But like you I settle as a web designer because I have to go everywhere with this stupid damn tank.  I don’t think it would fit my rap persona. I stay stuck behind a computer screen all day. So I am settling.”
“Okay, so how about you be optimistic about life and enjoy the evening?” I scrunch up my nose and slam my fist on the table.
“How about you kiss my ass. I don’t have to be optimistic when I know my fate.”
He raised his eyebrows and the whole room had eyes on me. My mother lowered her head and my step father covered his face with his hands.
Garth cleared his throat and took a sip of water.
“Stop behaving like a child and don’t curse in God’s presence.  You pissed because of your circumstances than keep it to yourself. Don’t ruin my evening along with the rest of these fine people because you've lost faith. You don’t want to be here than go. I’m not settling I am surviving but you Ms. Serita are indeed accepting death without even knowing your termination date.”
Everyone was staring and whispering. Now I felt like a total asshole for cursing in the house of the Lord but also because this guy made me feel like doodle on the stick. I open my napkin, spread it on my lap and looked him in the eyes.
“Let’s eat.”
“Let’s eat and enjoy the evening.”
The Chicken breast is dry and the lemon sauce taste like glue. The asparagus are under cooked and the best part is the desserts that Schenique has made. I would have prefer her food versus this mess right here.
“The food wasn't very appetizing? “
“Not at all. Schenique should have cater this meal. I love her food.”
“She is an excellent chef.”
We've done all night make small talk and I kind of left a bad taste in his mouth. He has the deepest dimples and every so often he sticks his tongue in the inside of his cheek.
After several minutes I see my parents and several others dancing to a slow song. It is actually nice. I can feel the love in the room, I can see the happiness of each couple, love overflowing in the room.
“Dance with me, Serita?”
“I can’t dance with this machine and all. It messes with my breathing.” He stood up , extended his hand and I allow my hand to touch his as he holds it. I'm trying to control the sparks flying inside and around me. I don't like this dude,Right?
“We are going to pretend that machine is not there and let the dancing angels guide your feet and breathing.  Now Ms. Attitude can we cut a rug?”
I stood and he moved my chair back, he pulled me gently into his arms. The room was spinning and I thought it was because I was losing consciousness.  His hand is on the small of my back, his beard touching my cheek, his scent of Armani cologne in my nose. He and I rocked back and forth. The sounds of Wynton Marsalis made me believe the dancing angels where guiding my feet. My mother ran up snapping pictures posting it on Instagram and Facebook. The music stopped and I stepped away from him. I could hear my heart flutter and the butterflies dancing in my belly. He helped me sit and then he kiss my forehead. His pink lips where warm and if I was a ice cube I would have melted all over the floor.
What the hell am I thinking getting all Lady Gaga over a dude when I am about to die? Get it together Serita and snap back to reality. You’re dying and this man who is full of life doesn’t want you. Dead girls can’t LOVE.
“How much did my parents pay you?”
“What?” He squints his eyes and runs his tongue across his lips.
“They didn’t pay me anything. They asked if I wanted to have dinner with a nice woman and I agreed.”
“I don’t need your charity.”
“And I don’t do women with a bad attitudes and bi-polar mood swings. Listen and Listen well get your head out your ass and stop being so rude when a gentleman is showing you a great time. I know it is just your defense mechanism. You really aren’t that tough. Good night Serita.”
He went over and spoke with my parents and they shook their head apologizing for my rude behavior. He left the building but for some stupid reason he didn’t leave my thoughts.

Snow in LA
I love winter and seeing the snow hit the pavement. As a little girl growing up in Chicago, Illinois I couldn’t wait until the first snow as a little girl. Watching the snow pile up and at night it would sparkle like diamonds under the street lights. That was many years ago and now that we are here in LA I haven’t seen snow and it is the one wish I have before ceasing a desisting my life. I dream a lot and it is the Pisces in me. It why I love Graphic Arts I can dream about something in my head and instantly digitally draw a picture. I needed a career so I designed one. I have to admit it gets lonely but most of it is because I don’t want people crying or feeling sorry for me.  My Mom hasn’t spoken to me since Valentine’s Day and I can’t get Garth out of my mind.  She sits next to me and finally she announces,
“I invited Garth over for you to apologize to him.”
“For what?”
“Your childish behavior.”
“Mom, you auction me off like some damn gift basket. You owe me an apology.I don't need your help in finding me a man.” I fold my arms and poke out my lips.
She whipped her head around and sucked her teeth.
“I don’t owe you shit, young lady. I just want you happy. You are so damn miserable and you deserve to smile.  I miss your smile all you do is frown. I don’t know how to make you smile, laugh and just be happy. I know this is difficult the cards life dealt you but it is okay to be happy just once in a while. So have me arrested for loving my daughter so much I would ask a handsome man to entertain her on Valentine’s Day.” She takes the tips of her finger and wipes her eyes. My mother hasn’t curse since I was sixteen years old.
“Mom, I love you and I know I can be a pain in the anal hole but this man…”
The doorbell interrupts our conversation which means she invited Garth over. My hair is all over the place, in my night gown and bugs bunny slippers.
“Ma!” I scream.
“You look fine and be nice.”
She skips to the door and there he is standing with a gray tee-shirt, shorts and gray sneakers. He hugs my mother and she blushes.  He walks over and he kisses my forehead.
“Hi.”  I remove his hat and place it in his lap.
“How are you? Forgive me I forgot to take off my hat.”
“I’m alright um, listen the other night I was acting like a jack ass and I’m sorry.”
He looks at the computer for several minutes and it is of my work for a client.
“You did but it was already forgiven once I walked out the door. Is this your work of art?”
“Yes, just something I am playing with for a client who has a snow removal company. I thought I would just add digital falling snow since I love it so much.
“I love the L.A. sun blah to winters. Give me sunshine on Christmas day.”
His voice reminded me of Morris Chestnut smooth, deep and manly. I notice his teeth, they are bleached white, straight and shiny like he puts Vaseline on them. His complexion is the color of peanut butter, his beard is thick but neatly trim.
“I just love snow and unfortunately I will never see that here in sunny California”
“Never say Never. Miracles  do happen. You have to believe."
“Why are you so hopeful about everything?”
He leans back in the chair and folds his muscular arms. His legs are built like a runner and his feet are big. He bites his bottom lip and chuckles.
“Life is what you make it? If you believe in bad things then they will come. If you believe in good things they will come. I have a high level of faith, patience and I am persistent. Like you being my woman and I being your man.”
“OMG, you are not trying to Mack me, Garth. You don’t know me to assume one, you’re my type and two we just met.”
He chuckles and places his hand on his stomach.
“You don’t remember me do you?” I scratch my head and shake my head. I didn’t remember him
“I’m Junior’s older brother. You use to hang out with Fancy and Peaches.”
“Nope, it doesn’t ring bell but can I ask do you eat your boogers like Junior?” He and I share a laugh.
“Hell no. I can’t explain his behavior no one can actually but get dress and meet me at this address in about an hour and a half.”
“Are you demanding me because I don’t like being commanded to do anything?”
He writes his number and address down on the sticky note. He places it on my forehead where he kissed me.
“I’m asking you to come. You are such a smart ass.”
“Yes, I am and I will think about coming.”
He kisses my forehead again.
“I promise it will be worth the trip and your time.”
“Why are you being nice to me? Does my Mom have something over your head?”
“I like you because your blunt and you let your inside voice pop out at all times. Now get ready and meet there.”

He leaves and I walk up to my room searching for a nice outfit.  I jump in the shower and I put
Fantasia “When I see you” on repeat. I decide on a yellow sun dress, and my white strappy sandals. I put on some lip gloss and earrings. I am getting fancy for this man who I hardly know. I sigh as I put the oxygen in my nose and drag the tank in its special book bag.  My Mom puts in a coat, hat and gloves and a scarf in the car.
“Ma, it is 79 degrees today. Are you serious?” She starts the car and sings.
“Garth told me to bring it. Don’t you remember him?” I fling my hands in the air.
“Nope.”
“He save you from that big dog chasing you. He carried you to my door.”
“I didn’t know his name.”
“Mom, did you…”
“I didn’t pay him and just maybe he really likes you.”
I hate L.A. traffic a ten minute drive can take an hour and forty minutes. Everyone here is perfect or at least it is what they pay for. I am the odd girl with the oxygen in her nose. The girl in the car next to us stuck in gridlock is staring at me. I roll my eyes and stick up my middle finger. I hate her because she is lean, pretty and has it all. She keeps staring and so I roll down the window.
“What are you staring at, bimbo? You never saw a girl with oxygen in her nose. I need a heart how about I beat you down and take yours?”
 I feel a pop in the back of my head. I could have call her other not so mice choice words but I respect my Mom. The bimbo turns her head and pretends to be dancing to music. I am getting anxious ad as traffic begins to move. I realize I am gee ked on this Garth Sampson guy.
My mother pulls us up to a movie studio. She mentions Garth name to the guard and he opens the gate. My mom is smiling and I know this is a setup of some kind. She parks her car and hands me the hat, gloves and scarf.
“Put it on and have a good time.”
I put on my coat feeling like a jerk off and big asshole in the summer weather. I watch her pull off and I see Garth dress the same with a furry hat that has flaps, gloves and a North face coat.
“You came and now welcome to our official first date. I have rules and I need you to sign on the dotted line you agree.”
“I don’t do rules.” I smirk because I want to go inside.
“Well, let me take you home. The rules are simple.” He hands me a piece of paper and it reads, Have a good time and smile.
He takes me by the hand and he opens the door. Fake flurries hit my face, the ground covered with soft fluffy snow, in the middle is a white table with two chairs. I am impress and I hug him.
“You wanted snow and I gave you winter paradise. Is that a frown turning to a smile? Serita knows how to smile. Serita actually smiles now that is Hawtt shit.” He is cracking up and I bend down and grab a handful of the fake snow and throw it at him.
“Whateva.”
I pick it up and throw another one. He ducks and picks up pile of snow and smashes it in my face. For the moment I felt like a little girl. It bought memories of snow cones. We lay in it and made snow angels. I didn’t worry about my calculated breaths, or a heart donor. He sat me down at the table with a festive plate of Cookies and hot cocoa with marshmallows.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Do all of this for a girl that told you to kiss her ass. I don’t get it.”
“I like you and maybe I do want to kiss your ass.” He wink and I blush.
“You don’t sound right cursing. “
“And you do?”
“Yes, because I sound good cursing.” I wink my eye and bit into the Vanilla frosted cookie. I look around and for some reason the reality hits me I will not be here and just maybe this is my last time. I’m going coo coo over a guy, playing in the snow and laughing Death was coming. That stupid pager I carry in my page was never going to buzz, my cell would never ring with an intent that I might make it to twenty-five.
“I want to go home, Garth.”
“Why?”
“Because you have me sitting here hoping and believing that is not your place. I want to go now.”
He crumbles up the napkin and he throws it on the table. He stands up and he takes off his coat, pauses and the vein in his temple is jumping.
“You are a piece of work you know that, right?”
“Thank you.”
“Miracles happen every day.”
“Miracles are for T.V., movies and Sesame Street. It is a sunny day but it doesn't mean I will get a heart. I am an adult, African-American, and I am number 1,756 on the list. It  isn't…”
He walked close and while I was babbling he bent down and kissed me on the lips. I felt dizzy, felt my pace maker vibrate, I gasp for air and then I felt warm.
“Why did you kiss me?”
“Miracles happen and your new heart is coming. I am going to kiss you every time you talk negatively.
“It is not in the cards.”
“Love and miracles are all about blessings. Your life is not a hand of poker luck is superficial but blessings are from God. They are real and I want for you to believe again.We are not leaving our winter wonderland because it is hot as hell outside. I have work hard to prepare this day for you and I cooked a heart healthy lunch for you.”
I stayed and we talked, we danced and shared about life. I was falling for him and I just hoped I don’t get dropped.

The buzz of the Pager
I hid for days, didn't accept his calls and ignore him when he came by. My mother would scream at me and pop me in back of my head. This particular day I felt defeated and I was tired of hiding.    He came in and sat in front of me. I turn my chair around not to see his eyes. I received bad news this morning that my heart was weakening, the ACID (pacemaker) is beeping more than usual. My heart rate dropped and I almost fainted twice. It didn't help that as of today there is approximately 121,205 on the waiting list and 77,270 people active on the list. UNOS (United network of Organ sharing). In my county I had officially moved up several notches.
“Garth get the hell gone. What are you crazy? I’m dying and you sit around like we are destined to be.”
“Say it to my face. Look at me.”
I couldn't say it I didn't mean it.I wanted him near me and to touch me. I was a liar because this man set my soul on fire. He made me smile, he felt right and I was running like a scared putty cat. He made me see life differently, made me smile when I wanted to cry.
“Go Garth,”
“No, you are going to listen to me. I deserve that.”
He pulled the seat in front of me and held my hands. The tears streaming down my face. I was defeated and my breathing was shallow.
“Please just let me be alone.”
"If for once you can stop looking at the ground and look me in the eyes you will see my love." Garth said
"You can't love me because...." Her eyes looking at the floor.
"Look at me, Serita. Dammit look at me.".
"No, I am not what you want to love. I keep running and you keep coming back. "
"It is because I refuse to let you go. Look me in the eyes and see my love." 
"I'm scared to love again. I'm afraid that I will fall so deep into you and then..."
He lifted my head, gazed into my eyes and placed his nose on mines.
"Do you see the love in my eyes for you?"
"I'm dying and it is unfair at this moment that my life is ending and I find love. God has a way of dealing the cards and my luck is real bad. I have a death sentence so he gives me a perfect man. “Very Funny, God."
"So you see it and right now you are walking, breathing and all I want is for you to allow me to be your man. Say yes."

I was afraid, my heart was heavy, I was barely hanging on to life and Garth this man I waited for all my life is here. I desire, I so wanted to say yes but I hate Good byes. I hate the fact that I am dying and if I choose to say yes I will leave him hurting. That isn't fair to him. I took a deep breath, and look to the floor. Love doesn't always deal a fair hand in love or life. You play the hand your dealt hoping and praying you win-

I knew I loved Garth the moment I laid eyes on him. I push him away he’d come back.  He came with me to my appointments and when my pacemaker went crazy he sat next to me in the hospital. He and I fell in love but it scared me because the cards life and love dealt weren't always fair. It was painful, it was uneasy and Garth made me feel safe and protected. If this is real why would I have to leave him? The nights he’d sleep in the hospital bed next to me, he’d brush my hair and listen to my raps. My mom came and sat next to me one night I'd thrown him out for the five time. She knew me well and I was weeping over him. I'd called him nasty names.
“Let him love you, Serita.” She rubbed my hair and ran ice chips across my dry lips. She looked at the monitor and my pulse had dropped, my air was saturated with oxygen and I was pale.
“Mom, I’m leaving this earth.”
“You’re so much like me and we all are.”
“You always say that.”
“I met Roy after your father died and I just locked up my heart. Roy would stop by and I’d give him the riot act. I didn't think I could love again but I learned the heart does go on.”
Garth stood at the door and my mother kissed my cheek.
“Let him love you.”
“I’ll try and before you walk away. I love you so much for being my mommy.”
“I love you too and I am glad God chose me to be your mom. Your love is my love.”
Garth walked in and he did his ritual of taking off his shoes and lying next to me. He place his hand on my heart and I’d play with his long fingers. Six months and he hasn't left my crazy ass. I have remain healthy, ate right, took my medicine and this is the first time I’ve been sick but I'm without a new heart. I'm scared.
“Garth, I am on multiple lists and it has been four long years. Some nights I just stare awake at the pager hoping see it fly off the table and it doesn’t.”
“It will never be in your time.”
“What if my time is up?”
He took a deep breath and kissed the tears that fell from my eyes. He was scared too, my oxygen was running at 87%, my heart rate was low and it became harder to speak without taking deep breaths.
“You will live and a heart is coming.”
“Why do believe in a damn lie?”
“When I look at you I don’t see a woman in need of anything. What I see is beauty at its finest. I fell in love with you because you fit well in my life. I know at this moment you are destined to be mine and I yours. It is why I need you to believe your heart is coming. Serita, I made a decision to watch you wake up every morning and watch you fall asleep. It is because I know God wouldn’t just give me a small moment with you.”
“You are too mushy.”
 I am facing him and I run my lips across his. I feel the warmth of his breath and I watch him fall asleep. I run my hand across his face, I kiss each of his fingers because if I die tonight I never want to forget his touch, his kiss and how he drools when he sleeps. I am in love. The sun is shining, the nurse has drawn blood and handed me my medicine.  He is snuggled up against me and I hear him say,
"Good Morning Baby."
He kissed my lips, ran his fingers through my braids and smile. I could smell the coffee on his breath and here I am in Love with Garth Sampson. This is by accident I thought I let you know. I planned to die alone in a hospital because the chances of a new heart is slim to none. The truth is I can't get rid of him so I decided if you can't beat him you fall in love with him.
"How dare you make me love you?"
"How dare I not? Plus I'm irresistible, I kiss well and I'm in Love with Serita Destiny Carter.
"Whateva. You know I'm dying right?"
He smacked me on the butt and pinch me on the nose.
"Yeah, yeah but your heart is alive and well today. A donor is coming but until then we are going to make love, play, laugh and listen to your horrible raps." He chuckled and I hit him with the pillow. God, I love this man.
"I can rap and damn good. If it wasn't for this oxygen in my nose and having to take deep breaths after each syllable I'd be marvelous." 
"I wish you would have as much passion about life as you do about your rap skills."
"I've waited four years and no call, no buzz on that stupid pager. No new heart for me. Get over it."
"I believe in miracles and yours is coming."
"You believe in miracles and I'll believe in becoming a rapper. Because my skills are fresh. My style is hot and on fire. That is why they call me McMavelous."
"That is so wack but I still love you."
The sound of something buzzing on the table startled me. The beep of my machine went off and my cell phone ringing. The nurse ran into the room and her face was rosy red and she is jumping up and down.
“Answer it, woman.” He screamed.
I heard them but I couldn’t grasp the words.
“We have found a match. We have a heart for you.”
I heard the sounds and my cardiologist walking in. Garth smiling because he had all along believe miracles happen. My mother did her praise dance and gave me kisses all over my face. They began prepping me and I look over at Sampson who wink.
“I told you miracles will and can happen.”

The Cards that Love Dealt
I am alive, I was given the gift of my heart the very next day. Several months of recovery, repair and l cannot believe that God gave me a second chance of life. I am here and Garth Sampson is here.  I am still sassy but I see life differently. I’ve gone back to church and I am no longer pessimistic about that cards that Love dealt. No longer afraid to live, love and breathe. He ask me to be his wife, to be his Queen to watch me sleep and wake up in the morning. He reminds me that I am his blessing but what I learned is I need him more to remind me that miracles are real. He gave me lessons of trusting God, restoring faith in the power of miracles. You see love is never a game when it real. It is not about luck finding a good man it is a blessing. He is a part of my strength, I love feeling his hands around my waist, the warmth of his kiss and his touch.
Now every time I listen to my new heartbeat, see the sun rise and can breathe without extra oxygen I believe that miracles can happen. I believe in the power of someone praying for you and I believe now God has dealt me the right cards when it comes to getting a Man like Garth Sampson my angel.